Is 10 years already enough to stay?

Is 10 years already enough to stay?

I am very open with my career choice and have been proud that I stayed in the same company for 10 years. But recent life challenges, have me questioning the fact that I stayed for 10 years and had no financial stability to be put on my bank account. In my 10 years, I changed a lot, or should I say, I matured and I age so much. My personality has changed. But now, I wanted to correct the change I’ve made for my life. I keep on asking myself what was the reason why I applied.

I applied to the company because, first, it is a Japanese company, and second, because it deals with house structures, design, and layout of Japanese houses. I was so excited to fulfill one of my dreams, to go to Japan. My passion in learning a new language just exhilarated my excitement to finally leave the unemployment status of fresh graduates. I was excited to work and be a professional. I met a lot of people that had to help me improve my life, taught me about life, and mentor me to be where I am right now.

I have been loyal to the company. The career eventually reaches a top position. I tolerated misunderstanding and fix my behavior to be able to work properly. I have to change my bad attitude to a kinder one. I acted like a saint and accept any responsibility that my hands could hold. In the years of my tenure, I was betrayed multiple times. But it is okay, because as I’ve said a hundred times, just work and leave your personal emotion at the doorstep of your house. But I am an emotional freak and I couldn’t handle it. It affects me so much when one employee decides to leave and chooses another door to grow. It really hurts when that person is one of my closest colleagues. But as my superior always say, when one leaves, a new one will come. The bonds will not be the same but the work will always be the same. So, I have to cry in silence and hold my tears until I have my pillow to hug.

My alter ego keeps on asking whether I am still happy doing the exact opposite of my personality. I just said I change some of it so I could survive. So, what was the reason why I stayed for so long? Because of my responsibilities. Because of the responsibilities that are given to me. Damn that responsibility! Though, right now, I cannot understand my responsibility and my position. I already cannot understand the flow of my work. I cannot understand how my superiors think nowadays. I cannot understand the vision of the company anymore.

I know, it is selfish of me to talk about quitting my job as many have lost their jobs because of the pandemic. But I just want to release something I couldn’t talk to anyone I know. Honestly, it’s also my mistake because I don’t want to speak loudly and have a deep conversation. I just don’t know who to trust anymore. Being anonymous is better than being with someone who will one day betray me. And I am tired of understanding the reasons for betrayal even if I honestly don’t understand it. I don’t hate my job, I just don’t understand it anymore.

Asking for an anonymous one to help me understand because I also don’t know the problem. Maybe, just me being immature again.

I think, I just needed a break from work. A long vacation, maybe.

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